She said some horrible things to hubby

Dear Maude,
I got so mad at my husband last night I said some
horrible things to him.  Then I stormed out of the house
and went to Walmart.  When I got home he locked
himself in the basement.  When I woke up this morning
he was already gone from the house.  I feel
terrible!  What should I do?
Linda in Louisiana.

Dear Linda,
Go to him and apologize.  As soon as you can.
No woman ever got a case of indigestion
from eating her own words.

Kansas wife's husband falling apart

Dear Maude,
I'm really frustrated.  My husband is falling apart.  He is 87
and nothing seems to work any more.  What he still has
creaks and cracks.  He hobbles around the house and
complains of all his aches and pains.
What can I do?
Sad in Salinas

Dear Sad,
I'm so sorry to hear about your husband.
I'll be prayin' up a storm for him and you too!
Gettin' old has been around fer a fer piece.
It goes way back to Methuselah, the first really
old man.
He lived to be 969 years old. (Genesis 5:27).
If Medicaid woulda been around back then
he'd a bankrup the whole dern system
for it got off the ground good.
Now my sixth husband thought he was
healthy as a new born baby before
he died.  Lived to be 88.
He used to go round sayin'
"I'm as healthy as a new born
babe--no hair, no teeth and
I think I jus wet my pants."
Take care now.
And tell that old coot to live today
like it's gonna be his last.
Cause it sounds like it could be.
Love and prayers,
Maude

Do I have to stop drinking tea?

Dear Maude,
My doctor prescribed that I start drinking tea to calm my nerves.
I have been drinking coffee all my life, so it was very hard to stop
drinking coffee.
But drinking tea is so hard.
I keep getting the bag caught in my throat.
What should I do?
Thank you,
Coffee lover from Boise

Dear Coffee Lover from Boise,
Before you drink the tea try removing the bag from the cup.

Proper exercise for Seniors

Dear Maude,

I'll be 75 next week and I want to stay in shape
when I get old. Can you suggest some exercises
that will help me stay fit and trim?
Thank you,
Sagging in Saginaw

Dear Sagging,
Start by lifting a 5 lb potato sack. 10 reps three times a week.
After two weeks, move to a 10 lb potato sack. Same routine.
After two more weeks, move to a 25 lb potato sack.  Same routine.
Then, after two more weeks put a potato in each sack.

Daughter wants games for mom's birthday party

Dear Maude,
My mother is 89 years old.  She has a few friends still living and a
bunch of friends at a nursing home. She wants me to have
them over to the house for her 90th birthday party. 
Can you suggest some games my mother and her
friends might like to play at her party?
Desperate Daughter in Duluth

Dear Desperate in Duluth,
We still rock on out at some of our parties.
You might try these games
to give the folks a thrill or two:

1. Walker relays
2. Spin the Mylanta
3. Doc doc goose
4. Sag, you're it
5. Activia pursuit
6. Bobbing for applesauce
   

Omaha woman wants to help brother-in-law

Dear Maude,
My brother-in-law just lost his leg in a hunting accident. 
Now he's having a tough time finding a job. I'd sure like to
help him out so we could rent out his room in the trailer
again.  Do you have any ideas?

Dear Omaha sister,
My cousin says they might be hiring down at IHop.
Good luck,
Maude

Doctor's nurses worried about his behavior

Dear Maude

Our whole office staff is worried about our doctor.
He's getting up in years and lately he's been wondering around
our office saying, "typhoid, chickenpox, swine flu, penicillin."
We really don't know what's wrong with him. Can you help?
Worried nurses in Tuscon

Dear worried nurses,
It doesn't sound like there's anything wrong with the old doc.
Sounds like he just wants to feel like he's callin' the shots in the office.
Good Luck,
Maude

Girl wants to marry her cousin

Dear Miss Maude,
Me and My cousin John Roy is in love. I want to
get married right away, but John Roy wants to wait
till I graduate the sixth grade. But we gotta elope
cause if we don't my daddy'll give us a shotgun
wedding and a double funeral the same day.
My two questions is this. 1 If we gets married in
Mississippi and move to Alabama and gets a
divorce will we still be cousins?
and   2 If we gets a divorce in Alabama
who gets the double-wide?
Ansie in Mississippi

Dear Ansie,
Let me answer yer second question first.
Probably the lawyers.
Now as to yer first question, what in tarnation is
you talkin' about gettin' married?
If y'all gets married and has a bunch of youngins,
when they get growed up they're gonna probably
all be goofy lookin'.
Anyway, what in the name of Jesus is you two talkin'
about marriage and divorce in the same breath?
Heavens sakes, child, if you's gonna get married
y'all both oughta be thinkin about ferever,
not jus till you gets yer double wide down to Alabama.
Think about it.
Miss Maude
What's got in to these dern fool kids today anyway?
They think they's all growed up before the gets their first pimple.

Hubby worried about wife's menopause

Dear Miss Maude,
My wife is going through menopause right now and I really don't know how to handle it. Can you give me any advice?

Hubby needing answers
Austin, Texas

Dear Hubby,
Are you handy with tools? If you are you can finish your basement. Then you'll have a place to live.

Newlywed needs advice on curing a cast iron skillet

Miss Maude,

I just got married a few days ago and want to cook my new husband a wonderful meal in my new cast iron skillet.  My mother-in-law told me I had to cure it first.  She said to put oil in it and light a fire in the grill and put the skillet on the grill till it gets real hot and the oil is all down in the skillet. That would preserve it and keep it from rusting.
My question is, should I use 10-W-30 or will I need 10-W-40?

Dear Newlywed,
Neither one, fer gosh sakes.  Girl, your mother-in-law didn't mean motor oil, she meant vegetable oil or peanut oil or just plain lard.
Fer gosh sakes, isn't they teachin' these girls anything in home ec class no more?